Friday, June 4, 2010

The Not Exactly Real Housewives of NYC

I don't watch a lot of reality TV. In general, I find it extremely vapid and irritating. Obviously the people involved are aware of the cameras there, which means they're acting up/out to get more camera time. And that's to say nothing of pick-up shots of scenes that were juicy, but darnit, the camera just didn't hit the right angle, so can we do it again, please? As reality television increased, more and more people were given the chance to show off, which means more drama and more acting out. Average people are not featured on reality TV anymore, they're not interesting enough. In fact, the casts of the first 6 or 7 seasons of the original reality show, The Real World, would probably not even get a foot in the door on the show nowadays.

I enjoy the hell out of reality show competitions. I'm sincerely looking forward to the next season of Top Chef, and I'm beyond aggravated at how two of my favorite shows, Project Runway and America's Next Top Model, have slid so rapidly downhill it makes me sick. But for me, reality shows without some form of competition are like porn without plot. Sure, it can be fun. But eventually you get bored. As I said, this is for me. Plenty of people don't need the naughty college girl to get interrupted by the cable repairman while in her filmy lingerie. They just want him to take off the uniform. I need a little foreplay.

What was I talking about?

I don't honestly know what got me into The Real Housewives of New York City. I didn't watch even one episode of The Real Housewives of the OC (and still haven't), so there wasn't motivation to continue with the spin offs. And good grief have there been a lot of spin offs. And more are coming, apparently. I just hope to cod they don't make it down to New Orleans. I don't need to see this state in all THAT glory.

But I did get into the show. Tonight was the season finale of Season 3. And, for me, it was the series finale. There's no reason to continue the series at this point.

From the first episode I watched, I fell in love with Bethenny. I judge people, and I am snarky when I do so, which means Bethenny and I are soul mates. She's sassy and fun and not a spoiled entitled rich bitch. She's the best part of the entire franchise. She was more fun during the first season, though. I think once the show premiered, and so much emphasis was put on her role as The Funny One, she realized that was her niche and she had to come up with something clever every time the camera was on her. She performed beautifully, mind you, but sometimes it was quite forced. As long as it makes me giggle, it doesn’t really matter.

Now for the other…women. Who should we start with? Lesser of the evils to Queen Cunt? Or reverse?

Should I even mention Sonja? I'm confused as to why she's on the show. Sure, she's a crazy happy drunk who provides sex jokes and a small level of sanity. But…she's not a housewife. She's a divorcee, with no apparent power, and connections through her friends only. Have her on the show as a friend, absolutely! But to actually put her in the credits and give her a golden apple? Bitch, please. Then we have AlexandSimon. I don't really have anything major against Alex. Should she eat a sandwich and sit in the sun for longer than five minutes without a hat and SPF 500 (Squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out)? Absolutely. But she seems like a relatively genuine human being. Nouveau riche? Oh, good grief yes. I have neither new money nor old money, and I'm still less tacky than the two of them. But if you got it, spend it on something fun, and don't be miserly about it. Is Simon pretentious and odd? Well, duh. But it is so obvious that those two insanely weird people love each other. And my opinion of them went up two fold when I found out they met online looking for a one night stand. So non rich bitch housewife. I just wish they hadn't named their children in such a way as to get their asses kicked for the rest of their lives. My opinion on Ramona is set in stone, until I see Bethenny or Alex being sweet with her. I cannot line that up with this FREAKING IDIOT who I see in episode after episode after episode. She is such a crazed harpy, with (to quote someone even more irritating than her) those crazy eyes, and her seeming Catch Phrases. What makes it worse is seeing her act like a good friend, then flashing back to moments like her walk across the Brooklyn Bridge where she ripped Bethenny a new one. Um, hello? I don't believe she's done anything in even one episode to endear herself to me, including the finale with her rewed to Mario. Mario, incidentally, is a perfect fit for her. Because he's a douchebag. And her daughter is such a Princess Brat Bitch I want to slap her across the face.1 That child is exactly what's wrong with the world today. She's entitled, disrespectful, and not in a fun, rebellious way. No. Just a mini rich bitch. I will be surprised if she grows up to do anything other than live off Mommy and Daddy's money.
Normally Luann would be above Ramona on this list. She's a pompous hypocritical Skeletor, but for the past two seasons, she was such a background character it didn't really matter. Who is this bitch again? Oh, right, she's the one who married fake royalty. Got it. What was her name again? Then this season started, and apparently she and Count Von Count were so busy fucking around on each other they forgot to stay married? I don't know, it's hard to keep track of background noise. Sadly, her children seemed to have the best chance until they lost their housekeeper. Now that they're being raised solely by Mommy, they're fucked. And I don't even have words for that song. "I love singing! I'm always singing!" Really? Because I can see why your husband left you. I'd run screaming if you sang like that around me all the fucking time. And you need a new producer, because the little pissant who produced that didn't do a good enough job of disguising your voice. I mean, for fuck's sake, he auto tuned your ass and you still sounded like a dying dog. That should tell you something.
I'm confused as to why Kelly needed to be brought in here. Not only is she not a housewife, she has no career. She has no purpose on this show. Everything the other women bring in, she doesn't. Children? We've seen her (admittedly adorable and precocious) children a total of, what, twice? Pets? She has a horse. You can't carry the horse around in a bag. Career? Photographing random strangers in Time Square does not a career make. She shows up to events and that's the extent of her usefulness. So she should be up there with Sonja. But then she had to go and flash her crazy, and she went to another level. If it was just that she was batshit fucking INSANE, she'd be further up the list. But she's so delusional AFTER the fact that it mixes things up. I mean, the dumbass has seen the episode, and she "blogged" that it wasn't a "breakdown", it was a "breakthrough". Yeah. A breakthrough that you should get into rehab ASAP. Look into that, won't you? Or don't, it doesn't matter. I won't be watching next season without Bethenny.

Is anyone unclear about who Queen Cunt is? Anyone? Bueller?
I don't understand how someone like Jill could get an awesome husband like Bobby, and produce an amazing daughter like Allison. Ugliness begets ugliness, so she should actually be married to a Mario and have an Avery. I heard the word "toxic" come out of her mouth so many times, and the worst part was she saw absolutely NO irony in calling everyone else toxic.

This woman makes me want to rip my own hair out. Everytime she opens her mouth, I prep the duct tape. I want to go to Zarin's fabrics, wrap her in one of those huge rolls of fabric, and then promptly BEAT HER TO DEATH WITH A HAMMER.

I don't know why I need the fabric to do that part, but it sounds good, right?

Of all the characters (these are not real people. I refuse to believe it) to leave the show, it couldn't have been Jill? She couldn't have come down with a little sickness, like, say, leprosy? And have to go live on a deserted island for 20 years?

I cannot expound the energy to rant about Jill, I hate her so much. There is nothing good about her, other than the family she brings to the show. Kill her off, keep the hubs, daughter, and mother. It will be perfection. On her opening graphic, we can have Bobby and Allison, and a little chalk outline for Jill herself.

I am eternally grateful that I can take this show off my DVR list. Thank you, Bethenny, for getting your own show.

1: I know, I know, children are supposed to be off limits, right? Look, I make fun of celebrity babies. I helped contribute to a website all about making fun of a big-headed celebrity child. I have no boundaries when it comes to mocking children.^

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