We will send you to whatever god you wish

I never heard anything about the movie Boondock Saints until an old friend came to visit TBF and I. We hadn't seen him in about five years, and while hanging out, he asked if we'd seen the movie. I went to Blockbuster and rented it for us, and we sat down to watch it. Most unfortunately, I had to work the next day, and had to leave barely 30 minutes into it. It haunted me for months, wanting to see the rest of it. We intended to rent it again, or I was going to get it from the library. Then TBF's husband bought it for her for Valentine's Day. Yes, that is our idea of romance. This is how we roll.

There are so many, many, many things I love about this movie. As I sit down, rewatching (with the library copy that I only have one more day to keep until I owe a fine) and writing this blog, I have absolutely no idea where to begin.



Well, okay, that's not true. Let's start with the brothers. Let's start with two extraordinarily hot men with Irish accents. There is absolutely NOTHING bad here. Sean Patrick Flannery, if I got his name right (damn three-named people), I only really know from Simply Irresistible, that paralyzingly bad movie starring Sarah Michelle Gellar Prinze, Jr. He's rather pretty in that movie, but completely suited up, and with no accent. I was shocked to learn that he also played Powder.

Obviously he's not the most recognizable in that role. But good grief, he is so effing pretty in this movie. Why aren't I more familiar with him? I would rewatch Powder to enjoy him in that, but that movie makes me weep almost more than any other. Beat out only by Beaches, maybe.

Then there's…that…other guy. Norman Reedus. As TBF put it, he has this great dirty look about him. You want to wash his hair and do naughty things to him in a shower stall. He reminds me of Henry Thomas, from Gangs of New York and, as I think of him, Elliot from E.T. But much, much prettier. And did I mention the Irish accent? I looked at his filmography from the DVD, and was disappointed that he hasn't been in more movies. What a waste.

I don't know who to blame for my deep, deep love of Irish accents. I'd say it has something to do with the fact that my favorite priest growing up was Irish (Father Gallagher, no less), but that is just far too creepy considering he retired before I was even 12 years old.

Moving past the extreme good looks and ab muscles that you can wash laundry on, the relationship between the two brothers is incredible. Not only the way they work together while killing people, but the banter and affection they have for each other, and the obvious protectiveness between them.

I love close sibling relationships in movies. I've never had one, so the idea of it is so foreign it's like watching unicorns and fairies. I don't feel the same way about close parent/child relationships, though. Weird. It wasn't until I watched the extra features that I got that they were, in fact, twins. I thought they were simply siblings. It explains their extra close relationship.

Their loyalty to their friends it also touching. From the bar fight at the beginning to their ongoing attempt to take care of Rocco. One minute I would be laughing at the goofball antics, the next having an 'awwwwww' moment. I'm not a fan of awww moments, especially in action movies, dammit! Let's get back to the stabbing and arm breaking.

But NOT the cat shooting. Before that scene, Scott turned to TBF and said, "You're gonna love this." Then turned to me and said, "You're gonna hate it." It's HORRIFYING, yet hilarious at the exact same time. "Is it dead?!"

As I watch Willem Dafoe writhe on the ground in acrylic nails and a blonde wig, I'm thinking it's time to mention his role in this movie.

I've only seen him in one other movie, Spiderman. Naturally, he was awesome in that, but he was the villain, cut plain and simple. He looks like a villain. The eyes, the pointy noise, the striking cheekbones. He was built to be a villain. So to see him in this, as (technically) the good guy, a gay, effeminate, hugely intelligent badass cop? I never would've seen it coming. If it weren't for the pretty boys, he would've been my favorite character in this movie. I mean, come on, he RIVER DANCED.

The plot of this movie is so well written. With all of the shitty ass sequels made every effing day in Hollywood, with no original ideas rolling out anymore, why the hell did it take SO FREAKING LONG to make the sequel? And why didn't, I don't know, five more come out right afterwards? There's so much. A movie of these two just going on a goddamn road trip would be amazing. I'd pay good money to watch a TV show where they went from state to state killing bad guys. Hell, in Louisiana alone they'd never get any sleep.

Suppose that show would be on Showtime…

I was extremely confused by the final scene before the "Three Months Later". It mostly had to do with the fact that the volume had to be turned down low because my godson was sleeping, and I'm half deaf in one ear, so I rely heavily on closed captioning and subtitles, but TBF hates them. So I had to work a lot on context and focus. And I'm not good at focus. I need to learn to read lips. But on rewatch (with subtitles), it's an extremely powerful scene. And makes me aggravated that it took so long for the sequel. I'll be watching that soon, I'm hoping it doesn't let me down.

The funniest bits are the recurring bits. Greenley having to get Smecker coffee. And bagels. The rope. Dear GOD, the rope. Even little things like that, done right and repetitively with a good payout, are what make movies something to treasure and watch over and over again.

I also like that I didn't have to deal with a Bahston accent. I haven't posted my review of The Departed yet, but OH MY GOD how a Boston accent grates on my nerves. Fix your fucking R's, Bostonians! And my favorite actress is from Boston, as is a friend of mine, so I should feel bad, BUT I DON'T. Glad the Irish accent wins out. Shit.

Poor Rocco. Such a spaz, which made him the most fun. I really can't say much about him, other than that he is hugely amusing, and you can't help siding with him, and being sad when he dies.

I also can't say much about Ron Jeremy's casting. I mean. Casting him as a scumbag. Isn't that typecasting at this point? I guess if you're going for stunt casting, it works.

The last thing I should mention, there is a deleted scene that must be watched. I haven't seen them all, only just one. The phone call from Mom. It was Scott's order that we see it, and when I watched it with TBF, I had to run to the bathroom because I really was about to pee on myself. If I was a gun person, I would totally do that to someone. And if I had twin boys, I'd say the same thing she said to them. Just hilarity.

I just can't write up an accurate enough review for this. It's so smart, and so funny, and just a seriously kick ass movie. I understand why it's a cult classic. It's not the kind of movie that can be appreciated by "normal" moviegoers. It has to be watched at home, in a group or by yourself, while drinking. If you don't like beer, as I don't, there's daquiris, wine, or Jagermeister. Get drunk, get stoned, get sober. Just watch, laugh, and be amused.

And turn up the volume. The soundtrack kicks all kinds of ass.

Just don't do it with an 18-month old in the house. Unless you want him to pick up some of Doc's Tourrette's.