Sunday, September 5, 2010

America’s Next Top Model Round Up


I mentioned during the 30 day TV meme that ANTM is my guilty pleasure show. It is also one of those shows I’m deeply ashamed to be a fan of.

I started watching during Season 5 reruns. No, I do not call them “cycles”. It’s a TV show, not Tyra Banks’s menstrual flow. I caught up on all of the reruns, and thought, “What a fabulous show! I can’t wait to watch more!”

By season 7, I was irritated. By season 9, I was confounded. Now, I just really hate it. Mostly for Tyra’s presence. I watch the show now solely for the photo shoots and bitch drama.

The new season starts on Wednesday. To commemorate that, I decided to do Top 10 Models from the last 14 seasons.

14 seasons? Seriously? Goddamn.

Without further ado.

sundai 2

10) Sundai Love - Season 13

Who doesn’t love the shortie cycle’s pocket sized model? This “petite” season was so utterly convulted and false. ANTM spent 12 seasons telling girls they were too short, they should never take off their high heels, and then all of a sudden, yay for midget power! Please. Next she’s going to have a plus sized season.

Sundai was by far and away my favorite model this season. Considering that we had such adorableness as Laura and Jennifer in this season, that’s saying something. But between her manly voice and her need to over-accessorize, it was horrible when she finally got the boot.

The winner of her season was Nicole. Nicole of the stoned voice and zero personality. Stupid.

kim 3 9) Kim Stoltz - Season 5

Yeah, she was kind of a brat. But she was extremely snarky and sarcastic, and that’s my favorite character trait in a human being. This was the first season without Janice, and with that horrible automaton Twiggy. Janice’s presence was desperately missed. But Kim made up for it.

The girl could model. I still do not understand why she was kicked off. Some of her pictures were not as stellar as some of the other girls (see below), but the picture that got her booted was not bad enough to get her removed from the competition. I blame Twiggy for her removal. Then again, I blame Twiggy for all the badness that happened in the seasons she was involved in. Kim was awesome.

8) Elyse Sewell - Season 1elyse s1

Season 1 was actually pretty amazing for a first season of a reality show. The photoshoots were basic but fabulous. The girls’ quarters were nice, but not over the top. Tyra Banks hadn’t had the Stepford Wife chip implanted in her head yet, and actually cared and focused on helping the girls learn how to be proper models. The girls, however, lacked in the most severe sense.

But Elyse was the star of the season. I love the girls who are too smart for this show, and she was the pioneer of that. When she spoke, the judges would essentially stare at her with a “Buh duh buh duh buh duh” look on their face because they were nowhere near intelligent enough to understand what she was saying.

Her modeling skills speak for themselves. She’s still a very successful model. Remind me again, what is Adrianne Curry doing with her life these days?

dionne 3 7) Dionne Walters - Season 8

Dionne was the only shining light in an otherwise horrendous season. The girls were boring, and not very attractive. They brought the drama times 10, which is always nice. But their personalities were like cardboard. Bitchy, bitchy cardboard.

Enter Dionne. She started out with personality, as the dental hygienist thinking about modeling while cleaning teeth. She always had something smart ass to say, and she was hilariously funny. I still mimic her “What the hay-ell??” in real life.

The judges’ reasoning for kicking her off was ludicrous. You’re going to wait until the third-to-last photo shoot to tell her she scowls too much? That information might’ve been more useful a month prior. And don’t even get me started on the final two being Jaslene and Natascha. You’re telling me Danielle’s accent was too horrible for Cover Girl, but those two horrible girls were perfectly understandable? I call bullshit.

6) Kahlen Rondot - Season 4kahlen s4

Sweet Kahlen. You’ve become kind of a freak since you left Top Model. I’d appreciate it more if you did it publicly and shamed the show. But I have respect for it, same as Shandi from season 2.

Kahlen claimed she’d never seen an episode of ANTM before she tried out for the show. Yet on first meeting Janice Dickinson, she was scared. Yeah. Doubtful. But still, she rocked it on the show. Her photoshoots were fantastic, providing some of the most insanely beautiful photos. She far and away outshined the other girls, including the victor, Naima. Kahlen should’ve been the victor. As always, Janice Dickinson was right in her choice for who should have won.

But along with that, Kahlen was fun. I mean, the girl did the robot. How can you not love that? She was hilarious, and rather snarky. But she was also kind, and thoughtful. When her friend died during the season, she was absolutely destroyed, but she fought it. She didn’t whine and cry about it to Jay, or the judges. She held it in, and fought with quiet strength. Loved her.

nik 4 5) Nik Pace - Season 5

Another case of a runner up being completely robbed. This is a running joke on the show at this point. Nik was fantastical, to quote Miss Jay. Similar to Dionne, the judges waited until nearly the end of the season to inform her they were tired of her only being photographed in profile. If Tyra had noticed this before, she should’ve spoken up. Those profile pictures were still more gorgeous than the other girls, straight on or not.

The only reason Nik didn’t win Season 5 is because of that stupid waste of hair Twiggy. She was the brand new judge, and Tyra was so busy sucking her ass, she didn’t want to go against her “favorite”, which was the whiney wet blanket Nicole. Janice would’ve chewed Nicole up and spit her out far earlier in the season.

Nik was ROBBED.

4) Tocarra Jones - Season 3tocarra s3

Oh, Tocarra. I was rooting for you so hard. Mind you, I watched Season 3 strictly through reruns, so I already knew who won (see below), but I wanted Tocarra to make it through to the end. That confidence, that insane personality. Plus, the woman is insanely gorgeous. The boobs alone, people.

But she got beat down. Not just by Janice, but by everyone. And it wasn’t right. The girl could model. But it’s hard to model when every other person is telling you you’re a fat ass who’ll never make it. She was one of the saddest eliminations the show had.

heather3 3) Heather Kuzmich - Season 9

Heather was the best ratings grab Top Model ever produced. The only reason Heather was cast on the show was because of her Aspergers. Same as Wendy in Season 5 for her Katrina story, and Isis in Season 11 for being transgender. Unlike those two, Heather just rocked it.

You didn’t need to be autistic to appreciate Heather. She was awkward, but hilariously funny, and just wonderful. You couldn’t help but root for her as she rocked photo shoot after photo shoot. When she won the challenge to meet Mary J Blige, and talked of being a “fangirl”, she solidified my full support for her.

I understand why she got eliminated, but it still sucked so bad. This was the last season they did My Life as a Cover Girl. Probably pissed Tyra off that her favorite, Saleisha, didn’t get it even once. No one could beat Heather, she won each and every time. Even after she was eliminated.

2) Eva Marcille - Season 3eva 4

The only ANTM winner that I was rooting for. Not because I didn’t want someone else to win, not because she was the lesser of all other evils. But because Eva the Diva was awwwwesome.

From minute one, you couldn’t help but love Eva. Sassy and smart, she walked in and owned it. She was, what, 5’6? And unlike all the other short whiney models in the seasons, she worked it. She wore her heels, she posed like she was 6’5, and she rocked every single photo shoot she had.

Along the way, she ostracized every single other model, including Ann, who was quite possibly the worst model in Top Model history. She couldn’t take even one good picture, and she was a dumb hypocritical bitch. Yet Eva stuck by her side, and never talked bad about her. Yet another reason for me to dislike Ann and love Eva.

Eva is also the most successful model, winner or no. She’s modeled for countless different campaigns, and she’s acted in many movies and TV series, including Smallville and Young and the Restless. Work it, bitch.

l_7467c91e76595c9a5ca04c86a3318ad4 1) Joanie Dodd - Season 6

No one can take Joanie’s place as #1 in my heart. At the start of Season 6, I was so busy focusing on my hatred for Wendy’s role there (read: Ratings scapegoat. Oh, you poor Katrina baby) that it was hard to focus on any of the other girls. Then with Jade’s dragalicious head in almost every frame, it became even more impossible. It wasn’t until the season moved forward and some of the dead weight was dropped that Joanie was really allowed to shine.

Joanie rocked each and every photo shoot. From the bald shoot to that amazing crumping shot, the naughty housewife and that craziness on the elephant. The girl knows how to work it. She excelled at all the challenges. If you haven’t seen the episode where she runways in those amazing stripper shoes, look it up. She walks like she was born in those shoes.

This was the first season I watched as it aired, and when Danielle won, I screamed my bleeding head off. Joanie was robbed. I know she’s currently co-hosting Run My Renovation, and she’s cute as a button on it. I hope she continues to get work and stays in the limelight.


Alright, Season 15. Bring on the new bitches. I know I will hate them all.


  1. I admit to having watched the show a few times, but the "critique" at the end always bugs the heck out of me because they never actually give any help in what these girls are supposed to be doing. It's like they lack the vocabulary to explain what they're looking for or what needs to change in a shot.

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